42 Million Breaths

It’s been 5 years Dad. 5 Years since you took your last breath. In that time, I have taken over 42 million breaths without you. With each one the ache of missing you only grows. That’s 42 million moments that you should have been here, 42 million chances to have you back.

Thinking about these five years in breaths somehow seems a little bit less overwhelming. But even in breaths, it feels like a lifetime. I’ve lived whole worlds in those breaths. A lifetime of change and small victories and quiet nights where I wished you would just walk through the door. Let me tell you about some of those moments.

I bought my first apartment and filled it’s walls with your memory. I’ve lived with friends, by myself, and now in a home, filled with beautiful people who make my life a little softer. I graduated, Dad! A Bachelor’s in Business Marketing. I like to think you’d be proud, cheering louder than anyone else. I left a relationship I thought would be forever, I think you thought so too. I’ve stumbled through a few others, searching for a fraction of the love that I knew in you.

I’ve also seen parts of the world I wish I could have shared with you. I walked the streets of New Zealand, imagining you at the same age as me, every step tracing your memories. I stood in awe of South Africa’s beauty and snowboarded down more mountains in Japan. With every journey, with every stamp of my passport, I’ve carried you with me. I wish you could have seen the world through my eyes and shared in its wonders with me.

Oh and how can I forget all the hats I’ve worn that I know you would laugh at: a salesperson, a marketer, a business owner. And just yesterday Dad, I become a yoga teacher.

Losing you shattered me. It rewired the way I breathe, I think and I exist. Saying “I miss you” feels like a whisper compared to the roar of this emptiness. It’s 42 million breaths that hurt without you, and I will keep missing you until my last breath, until finally, I’m safe in your arms again.

I love you Dad. I’ll carry you in every heartbeat, forever and always.